In the series of disappointments hitting me lately, I've notice how hard am I to myself and how eager I am to be better and when things don't go as planned that's when everything breaks down.
Me growing up with a brother who do great in everything that he do and me being surrounded by people who seems to have the things that I would like myself to have, molded me into someone no one would ever choose to be.
It all started in me Idolizing people around me and I believe that Idolization may lead you into separate ways, either inspiration or envy, and the bad thing about it is that, I think I was in the negative side of it.
Yes I must admit I'm pretty much envious, which leads me to be a monster to myself, I even came to a point wherein I was hurting myself whenever I wasn't able to do as how others may have done it, or whenever I can't have those things that I like while others has everything.
I once mentioned in one of my post that through my job right now I learned to believe in myself, and for once I had confidence that I can do things just like anyone but the things that were hitting me makes me lose that little by little.
Someone told me that, perhaps, the reason why I get too disappointed is because the goal that I have for myself doesn't fit the capabilities that I do have. This makes a huge sense to me, maybe I'm really pushing myself to hard on the things I still can't do as of now.
But then again, all I've ever wanted is to be someone who is above average, I mean to be able to excel on even just one thing that I do, which I never was been able to do so. My incompetence and incapability leads me to where am I right now, which makes everything even more heavier to carry.
I know most of you would try to cheer me up, but I just want you to know that deep down inside me I'm still holding my spark but as of now, even though positive aura flows with the breeze of tonight, please.... just let me be...